I was watching this last night – well, hubby was and I came and looked over his shoulder.
I watched for a while and said “wow, I love her fedora, it looks great! I wish I could wear hats, but I always look stupid.” My husband looked up at me and said “You know the only difference between you and her? She’ll wear the hat in public.”
I do the adult version of playing dress up at home. I have a hat I love, and I wear it to keep my head warm, I’m wearing it right now. I can see the brim, cocked to one side as though the person wearing it were carefree and cool, and here, in the house, with no one looking, I feel like I might even be carefree and cool… but I take it off before I go out. Because I’m not carefree and cool, and everyone will know I’m faking it… if I look in the mirror and see that it’s me, I have to take it off. Illusion ruined.
For a long time now I’ve looked around and seen women who are exactly the same size and shape as me, bigger even, and they look amazing! They walk confidently, head high, and I turn to watch them passing and wonder why I look like an over weight lumpy housewife and they look like that!
Maybe the mirror is the problem. Perhaps I should get rid of them? Don’t look. Just put the hat on, and never ever check to see how it looks, because it’s not about how it looks. Maybe the reason those women look so much better than me, is that they feel better. They check themselves in the store window and think “Damn, I’m fine” where as I look and see… yeah best not to say really. So just maybe, the answer is to put the hat on, wear the pants and the shirt and never once check the mirror, look out from my own face as the person I feel like when I can’t see myself… behave as though I’m her. Believe it. Maybe then other people will see it, and turn and look when I walk past?